Sometimes the present moment sucks

Nearly a year ago I drafted a blog post with this title. It never was published, mostly because it was too much of a pity-party, and I was reluctant to put that kind of energy out into the world. Well, gulp, here’s today’s version.

If any of you dear readers are meditators, or have attempted to establish a meditation practice, you’ll be familiar with the concept of staying in the present moment. Letting go of regrets about the past, or going over (and over and over) plans for the future (everything from today’s to-do list to career ambitions and family planning) is the core practice for meditators.

A year ago this is what occurred to me about the challenge of being in the present moment: it's because the present moment was where I felt like a failure: too fat, too selfish, lousy job, living in the wrong place, failed at being a friend, failed at being a priest, unloved and unlovable. Geez, with a present moment like that, who wants to be there? I wept that day. I almost didn't go in to work. The so-called present moment was just too much to bear.

Fast forward a year, and the present moment is still pretty tough — my cat is not eating, a patient I’ve grown fond of is leaving, and a good friend is going to too many doctor’s appointments lately. So yeah, even if it’s not all about my fragile ego, the present moment can still be a pretty hard place to live in.

And yet, as my wise qigong instructor pointed out, this moment, this body, is all there is.  It's all anyone has.  It's the only way we get to be on this planet, doing anything at all.  And in this moment, fat and failed though I may be, at least I get to be here. I can breathe, and walk, and think, and love, and listen, and pray, and contribute through my work, however small those contributions might be.  I can express the grace, the force that energizes this universe, through my being, but only in this moment.  Not tomorrow, and whether I did or not yesterday can't be changed.  There is only now. 

God, the Universe, the Force, whatever it's called, it's moving through me.  I can only access it NOW, and even if I don't consciously touch that energy, it's still there. I'm not a better person if I find a way to consciously harmonize with that energy, but if it's what moves the universe, why would I not seek to touch it? Why cling to failure when LIFE is here?

To switch up the metaphor, there’s the surface now and the deeper now, the waves and the ocean. The present moment may be the wave at the top - the sick pet or tough day at work. Equally present, though, is the deeper ‘now’, the eternal now, the present that is presence, and patience, and awareness. If the surface now is hard, maybe that’s a reminder to shift toward the deeper now.

However you look at it, though, loss is real. Suffering is nearly inescapable. Failure, especially past failure, is a beast that can only be released, not tamed. In the face of suffering and failure it is a terrifying and necessary act of faith to open the heart to the eternal force of love that abides and forgives and releases. And that opening can only happen in this, the present, moment.